Teen Heartbreak 101: Supporting Your Child Through Platonic and Romantic Breakups
by Jillian Amodio, LMSW
Adolescence, in general, is a time of emotional turmoil, even on the best days. Emotions are even tougher to navigate during times of difficulty. Experiencing a friendship or romantic breakup is one of the toughest social/emotional challenges to face at any age. While sometimes these relationships end for the best, they can still come with heavy amounts of grief, loss, betrayal, or confusion. For teens especially, their social lives and peer connections are the center of their world. These types of relationship struggles can feel insurmountable. As parents, it’s tough to know what to do in these moments. We can’t protect them from every hurt, but we can help them process their emotions and learn how to move on. Here are some parenting tips to help tackle these difficult experiences. 1. Validate Their Emotions Regardless of how you might have felt about the friendship or romantic relationship between your child and the other person, be considerate of your child’s emotions and show empathy. This was someone your child cared for and felt connected to. Their grief, heartache, and sense of loss are valid. While this will likely be a fleeting moment in their life, right now, it feels like the biggest deal in the world. It is important not to dismiss or minimize their emotions. Even well-meaning statements like “They weren’t even that nice to you,” “You will find someone else,” or “You’ll probably be over it by next week” can invalidate their emotions and make them feel misunderstood. Acknowledge their feelings with compassion by saying things like “I know this hurts,” or “I understand that this is really difficult for you,” can go a long way in helping your teen feel heard and supported. 2. Avoid Judgment When a relationship ends, especially one that is unhealthy or toxic, it might be tempting to say “I told you so.” If your teen has broken off a relationship that is unhealthy, they are showing an immense amount of maturity and strength, and that doesn’t come easy. Praise them for putting themselves first. Love them through their heartache, and remind them that you are proud of them and will always be there for them. On the flip side, if a relationship has
ended because your child has engaged in behavior that was unkind, disrespectful, or otherwise undesirable, avoid blaming and shaming language. Phrases like ‘You should have…’ or ‘You shouldn’t have…’ can amplify feelings of shame, remorse, or grief. Give them space. Honor their emotions. Show up for them. Even if they are at fault, life is all about learning from our mistakes and it is important to show them that even when they mess up, we’re not going anywhere. Once the wave of fresh emotions has subsided, then you can try to have a more detailed conversation about what went wrong and how to do better in the future. If your child isn’t ready to talk right away, don’t pressure them. Let them know that you’re available whenever they’re ready, and respect their need for space. It can also help to share your own experiences with relationships that have ended. Telling your child
stories about past friendships or significant others, what happened, why they ended, and what you learned from them can help normalize their experience. 3. Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms I often feel like emotional pain is worse than physical pain. Ibuprofen or Tylenol works wonders on the body, but what do we do when it’s our heart that hurts? Unhealthy coping strategies such as self-harm, substance use, avoidance, lashing out, getting even, or engaging in reckless and risky behaviors can make you feel good in the moment. Still, in the long run, they will only prolong the pain. As parents, it is our job to help our children find healthy ways to process their feelings. Encourage activities that promote emotional well-being, such as journaling, exercising, engaging in creative arts, doing something special together, talking to a friend or loved one, playing with a pet, practicing self-
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